Jewish Pirates of the Caribbean by Edward Kritzler
Arggggggggggg!
Ahoy me matey’s. What we be havin’ here be a book about gentleman o’ fortunes (aka pirates aka bucaneers aka eye patch wearing, cutlass wielding, peg leg walking humanoids) an’ rather bad one at that! I be hopin’ fer a good story full o’ adventure on th’ high seas, instead I got a long winded history lesson which port me wi’ nay booty t’ keep. Gar.
Sea dogs, like vampires, be pretty much th’ “in” thin’ starboard now. So when me first see’ this har book naturally I thought, “wow, how cool, a mixture o’ swashbucklers an’ Jews.” I can learn about some o’ me heritage while at th’ same time get an excitin’ story. Boy be I wrong.
Ok, I had thought about doing the whole post in pirate lingo but seriously, it’s starting to strain me. Somehow this book kept popping up in every bookstore I went to and I eventually bought it with unfortunately high expectations. Really, pirates and Jews, wouldn’t you have high expectations too.
Instead what Edward Kritzler has delivered is a convoluted history text book that explores too much, provides excess information and reads like an Ikea instruction manual (trust me, these things are boring to read when that’s all you’ve got in the backseat of the car during a six hour drive with no radio). Why o why did you do this to Mr. Kritzler? I have a great deal of faith that you could have made this more interesting.
Let’s examine a little further why it was so bad and why I’m being so mean.
First, there was too much bore and not enough gore. I don’t think the word “pirate” was used nearly enough. There was some minor imagery of pirates, debauchery and whoring but no real battles or violence. Of course to recreate that some 400 years on is tough but come on, use some imagination. Secondly, if I had had the audacity to write down the dates that were given page by page they would in no form or fashion be chronological. It was like a game of twister, put your right hand on 1621 and then your left knee on 1624 and lastly put your groin on 1597. Some semblance of order would have been nice (there is a chronology in the back but it still doesn’t help what’s written in the actual book). Third, who the hell were all those people in the book? I mean right along side with the jumping dates the book was jumping people, from one to the next and then back and then forward. It was headache inducing. Arggggg.
I honestly don’t think I learned much of anything by reading this. I’m sure people have but I was not one of those people. What I did uncover is that Jew’s fled Spain during the inquisition and moved to the Caribbean and proceeded to steal some of Spain’s booty, boom done. That’s be my rendition of this book.
Ok, previous to reading this book I had read two other pieces of non-fiction A Voyage Long and Strange and The Anatomist and I won’t pretend like I wasn’t pretty tired of non-fiction. Regardless though, this was an unpleasant experience most likely akin to walkin’ the plank into shark infested water.
So… I was totally going to photoshop a picture of a pirate and add a yarmulke, a star of a David, a chai (the Hebrew letter, not the drink) and an Israeli flag in the background but I got lazy. So, instead I did a google image search and here is a small selection of the results. On an unrelated note, and only because I mentioned google, my friend Miriam, who actually works at google, suggested I add an RSS feed button thingy to my blog and I have (upper right corner). I’ve also started using Google’s feedburner and am anxious to really see what it can do for me. Anyways, the pictures…
Jean Lafitte, apparently a Jewish pirate (although I don't see the resemblance without the yalmuke). Truth is, this guy wasn't even featured in the book. Again, apparently some people think that guy Johnny Depp's character Jack Sparrow may be based on him. I'm calling "faux pirate."
This Jean Lafitte character again, as played by Yul Brenner in the 1958 movie "The Buccanner). At least he looks a little more badass here. Despite lacking the trademarks, I will not call him a faux Jewish pirate. He's allowed.
Now this is a little more like it, pretty sure this is how I would do it.
Ah yes, the very rare Jewish pirate dog. Beware, they are very dangerous but oh so cute!
This is a fine example of a modern day Non-Jewish pirate. I am pretty sure I am the last of the Jewish pirates and dude, you cannot get on my ship, even if that gun is not a toy, which it most certainly is.
