Tattoo Machine by Jeff Johnson
I don’t have any tattoos. Luckily the only ridiculous thing I’ll do when I drink too much is maybe get a piercing (who knew that piercing my septum when I was 18 would make my mother cry, sorry mom). Despite not having a tattoo, when I first read a blurb about this book (don’t remember where) I was instantly interested in reading this book. As it turns out whether or not you have tattoos it doesn’t really matter when it comes to reading the often funny, sometimes surreal stories Jeff Johnson tells.
I’m not actually too sure where I would rank or what my feelings are about Johnson’s book. At times I thought it was laugh out loud (LOL, for those of you that only understand acronyms) funny and at others somewhat dry and boring. At the end of the day though, the funny and bizarre make up for the parts of the book where these things are lacking. Johnson basically provides the reader with a good look at his life, so far, what and who has shaped his life and the madness he’s endured (madness in this case is not always bad). I don’t know about you but I had never really thought about the life a tattoo artist might live. I guess there is some silly reality tv show out there about tattoo parlors, but then again there are also reality tv shows out there that showcase people who sleep with animals (that is not a fact but I’m just taking a guess that something of that nature exists out there) so that doesn’t really say too much.
The book is broken up into 6 sections which is further divided into subsections with stories pertaining to an overriding theme of the section, more or less. I’m not really sure how I would change the format myself but there was just something off about it for me. It actually may not have been the format at all in retrospect it may just have been Johnson’s use of the English language. Instead of just telling the reader stories, Johnson just added a little too much background chatter. By that I think I mean attempting to find depth and meaning in stories that more or less spoke for themselves.
Without really knowing how to review this book I’ll retreat to one of my former styles of reviewing. Sharing with you some of my favorite moments from the book.
Chapter 5 of the book is titled “Big Fat Moth” and tells a few stories about the disasters of not fully researching the art which some people put on their bodies. I guess a friend of Mr. Johnson had the pleasant experience of tattooing someone who thought it would be a great idea to have the flag of Texas permanently placed on their body. Well, apparently said individual being a Texan believed he was capable of drawing said flag as the artist was not familiar with it. Well as you can probably imagine this Texan wasn’t exactly as brilliant as he thought and ended up with the Portuguese flag. I’d make a Texas joke here but I don’t really want to offend anyone.
Chapters 6 and 7 also had their moments. 6 focused on drugs and in one of the more heartfelt paragraphs which I actually enjoyed, Johnson declares the prominence of inhibiting drugs in the life of tattoo artists. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to discern that drugs may be part of the culture but Johnson’s admissions of this fact reveal his true character. I’m not so sure how chapter 7 fits behind a chapter discussing drugs but regardless it’s there. It’s all about the “secret army” tattoo shops have whom are only seeking kindness. Essentially these are quirky people who hang around the shop, some with minor ailments others with more significant ones that are looking for people they can call friends. Without giving much away, the punchline to look out for here is “I bet your girlfriend has diabetes.” Obviously out of context this means nothing, but it’s pretty amusing.
Lastly, I’ll mention the one thing I never really thought about when it comes to tattooing. If you will, imagine the unique people you may encounter. To put it frankly I’m not talking about the bearded lady, the lion faced boy or Siamese twins. Instead I’m talking about having the pleasure of tattooing say a woman with two, yes two, butt holes or perhaps the woman with with three kidneys (ok, not nearly as unique as two anussen (and yes, that is the plural), but I had to give you something else).
So, all that said, if the life of a tattoo artist interests you and you find that reality tv is really a load of crap take a look into the life of Jeff Johnson and his tattoo parlor The Sea Tramp by reading this book.
