The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs by Irvine Welsh
For some unknown reason I had two ideas of what this book was about before I picked it up. The first one being a more literal take of the title, chefs and what they do in the bedroom. And the second having something to do with a murder, why I thought this, I don’t know. Anyways, if you’re familiar with any of Welsh’s previous works you would know better, as should have I. I’ve read several of his other books including Trainspotting and Porno and enjoyed each so i figured odds were, regardless of what I thought the book would be about, I’d enjoy Bedroom Secrets as well.
Welsh typically deals with adult themes in his novels and Bedroom Secrets is no different. As Trainspotting deals heavily with drug addiction and Porno with the obvious, porn, Bedroom Secrets, despite what you may think from the title introduces us to a character who is an alcoholic.
This isn’t your typical alcoholic, not in the James Frey A Million Little Pieces kind of way at least. Then again, I guess that’s an arguable comparison to make since Frey’s book turned out to be a bit of a farce. Anyways, not only does our main character enjoy an occasional drink at the pub he also has this incredible ability to put a curse on his “nemesis.” His nemesis being a geeky, model train loving kiss ass who is in line to get the promotion said alcoholic dearly wants. Who knew this book was also going to have some black magic in it? Unfortunately I can relate, as it would seem that the month of January has put a curse on me.
Back to the magic. The curse is actually a pretty cool one. Whatever damage the alcoholic does to himself doesn’t affect him, instead it affects his nemesis. So, all that liver damage and that brawl he got into the other night yeah, didn’t leave a mark on his liver or his body, it all went to the poor geek. So when the geek when in to give a presentation, which would largely decide who received an upcoming promotion, hungover beaten up and disheveled, you can probably guess who got the promotion.
Of course there is a lot more to the story than just that. I’ll run down quickly some of the bylines. Let’s see, a man trying to find out who is father is, a man looking for love (what’s new?), a mother trying to keep her son (thee geeky character) from masturbating and a gay friend trying to get in a straight mans pants. That does a pretty nice job of summing it up if I don’t say so meself. It’s a pretty well thought out novel and if you enjoyed Welsh’s other works I think you may like this one too. It may not be as gritty but it’s there, I assure you.
And in case you’re wondering just how one is supposed to stop masturbating I leave you with this, a pamphlet provided to a son from a caring mother, along with my commentary:
From pages 168-170 in Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs…
“A guide to self-control:
1. Never touch intimate parts of your body except during normal toileting processes.
[What the hell are "normal toileting processes?"]
2. Avoid being along as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this company.
[No can do, I live alone. What if said company really likes to masturbate?]
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem YOU MUST BREAK OFF THE FRIENDSHIP. Don’t suppose the two of you will quit together, you never will. This problem must be taken out of your mind, where it exists, and this cannot happen when you associate with others who have the same weakness.
[First off, am I supposed to ask my friends if they do so? Secondly, I would have to guess that I no longer have any friends]
4. When bathing, do not admire yourself in the mirror and do not stay in the bath more than five or six minutes – just long enough to dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some family member present.
[What if I'm extremely dirty after having just masturbated in a puddle of mud? "No way 5 or 6 minutes will be enough.]
5. In bed dress yourself so securely that cannot easily touch your vital parts.
[Straight jacket, check]
6. If the temptation seems overpowering in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO TO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and you are not hungry. Do not worry about gaining weight, the purpose of this suggestion is that YOU GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE.
[I don't mind this one, I like snacks.]
7. Never read pornographic or arousing material.
[Good thing it doesn't say "watch."]
8. Put wholesome thoughts in your mind all the time. Read good books, Church books, Scriptures, Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of the scriptures.
[My soul just screamed and asked that I never do such a thing.]
9. Pray, but not about the problem as this will keep it more on your mind than ever. Pray for faith and understanding but NEVER MENTION THE PROBLEM IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS AS THIS WILL KEEP IT IN YOUR MIND.
[Seriously, what am I supposed to talk about with my friends now? Just joking, it's not discussed, often.]
10. Excerise Vigorously.
[...by masturbating.]
11. When the temptation is strong yell STOP and recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn.
[If I yell STOP, people will get the wrong idea.]
12. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self-control, color the day black. It becomes a strong visual reminder of self-control, which you can reference if you are tempted to add another black day.
[or you can just plan ahead and make the calendar into a chess board, that way you can play chess on it and know what days it's cool to you know, violate the "rules."]
13. Try aversion therapy, think of distasteful thoughts that will cancel out what is pleasurable. Think, for example, of having to bathe in a tub full of worms, perhaps eating several of them.
[This could actually work.]
14. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object like a Bible, held firmly in hand in bed at night.
[No thanks, pretty sure it'd just get dirty.]
15. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep can be broken.
[Terrible idea.]
16. Keep a positive mental attitude. Satan never gives up, and neither should you. You can win this fight!
[I don't want to win this one though.]
Wow, that was a lot.
