Valet Reader

“Chuck, it’s over. We’re through… Yes, I am breaking up with you, I’m sorry.” Yep, I said that back in my review of Pygmy. You can’t blame me though, I thought it was a bad book and really didn’t think I’d enjoy any of his other works that I had yet to read. I suppose what I really need to do is break up with his fiction side cause after reading this book I don’t want to break it off with his non-fictional tendencies.

Two and a half years ago I was living in San Diego at home (that means with my parents). Two and a half years ago I wanted nothing more than to leave San Diego and move out of home (that means away from my parents). I love my parents, don’t get me wrong, but do you have any idea how hard it is for a guy in his mid twenties to bring a girl home to his parents house? Yeah, you get my drift.

When I was researching where my next move would be I had a shortlist of cities. They included Seattle, Portland, San Fran, Austin, Salt Lake and Denver. Eventually whittled down to the first three I had a decision to make. Of those three cities I had been to Seattle and San Fran and knew people in each, as for Portland I had neither visited nor knew anyone there. Portland would have been the adventurous, spontaneous and scariest of the choices, I’d already did that when I moved to New Zealand and therefore justified choosing San Fran. I still have yet to visit Portland despite it being the one city I would consider moving to now.

Chuck has lived in Portland since 1980 and it is clear from his writing that it is a city in which he belongs. It’s just the right match, in the same way that Santee is the appropriate place for meth production. Sure you could buy a silly travel guide, do some research online or ask the concierge but wouldn’t you rather hear about what to do and see in a city from someone whose been settled there? Well, our buddy Chuck has done just that. He’s written an amusing, informative and fun guide to his city.

The book is short, quick and easily readable. In fact, I’m guessing that you could finish the book on the flight to Portland, so long as the flight is longer than two hours. I guess I’m going to point out a few of my favorite things that he talks about and save the rest for you to read on your own.

If I were to visit Portland I would want to go to/see:

Frances Gabe’s Self Cleaning House – Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like and yes, you can visit it. An invention/house that most men like myself wouldn’t mind having (actually, I’m kind of OCD and keep my shit together although it’d be nice to have the floors cleaned every now and then as that’s something I despise doing). I think all dormitories, hostels and flea bag motels should offer this amenity. If you want to visit you MUST call Frances first at (503) 538 -4946, be kind and expect to make a donation to her.

The Abandoned Timberline Highway – I’m a sucker for scenic drives coupled with good music and possibly a little bit of this and a little bit of that. This original route to the Timberline Lodge (yes, the Overlook Hotel from The Shining) sounds like it’d be pretty rad. Could be tricky to find but Chuck lays it out for us in the book.

Western Culinary Institute – I like food, I like good food. I would say I’m a foodie. I’ve heard great things about food in Portland and Oregon in general but this place sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Offering swank, intimacy and great service the staff here are working for their careers (ie grades) and will do their best to impress. Lunch is five courses and will run you a whopping $9.95 and dinner of six courses will run you $19.95. Reservations a week in advance highly recommended. Call (503) 294-9770.

The Heathman Hotel and their haunted photograph – Pretending to be a writer this would be the ideal hotel for me stay at. You know, Warhol’s on the wall, David Sedaris’ “second home” and the hotel of choice for authors when in Portland. But the other draw is said photograph that was taken on September 21st, 2001 when the old owners were passing the keys to the new owners. Apparently there is a figure (ooooh spooky) in the background. Not to mention the purpoted haunting of rooms 803 and 703. But who am I to spoil the fun, reading about or better yet visit these ghoulish fiends yourself.

The Worlds Largest Hair Ball – Hell yeah! Removed from a 300 lb. pig in 1950 this two and a half pound ball of hair can be found at the self-guided museum at the Benedictine Mount Angel Abbey and Seminary.

Elk Rock Island – Palahniuk claims this as the most beautiful and most difficult spot to find in Portland, I plan on proving him wrong, when I finally get there. A giant slab of basalt coming out of the Willamette sounds pretty sweet to me either way. Click click.

Apocalypse Cafe – Unfortunately I believe this was a one time only event. But, if anything it gives you a taste of what Portlanders can be like. Acting as though the apocalypse is upon them the participants clambered into the back of a big rig and with the door closed rolled out to a secluded warehouse. Fires are ragining in barrels, grotesque art features displaying mannequins and projectors showing old creepy movies. In the end it is just a creepy potluck but the ambiance along with the fact that it was illegal makes it that much more of a rush. You gotta use your imagination and hopefully not need a diaper while crammed into that truck with your fellow “survivors” but I would’ve been there. If it ever happens again be sure to be there and be in the know.

The Spruce Goose – Yes that big bad airplane we’ve all heard about is in Portland. Check out www.sprucegoose.org, cruise by the Evergreen Museum or call (503) 434-4180 for more information.

U.S.S. Blueback – The sub used in The Hunt for Red October hosts a “Techno Tour” on the first Sunday of every month. It’s pretty limited, only 8 people and can last up to four or six hours. Oh wait, you thought this was a tour with strobe and black lights, loud pounding bass and scantily clad people, oh no, it’s a technical tour! Come on people. Buy your $15 ticket early. I have a hard time believing that this sub can compete with Cleveland’s USS Nimrod but there’s only one way to find out.

And oh did I leave a ton of stuff out! Anyone want to go to Portland with me? I’m accepting applications now.